


A Case of Natty Ice

by WoolyLambda



Series: Folk Tales for the Modern Homosexual [1]
Category: Folk Tales for the Modern Homosexual, Original Work, The Cask of Amontillado - Edgar Allan Poe
Genre: Addiction, Cussing, Dick Jokes, Explicit Language, Fraternities & Sororities, M/M, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Past Relationship(s), Recovery, Screenplay/Script Format, Underage Drinking, hey if anyone wants to actually voice this hmu, oh well, wow ao3 really doesn't like the formatting for this lmao
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-27
Updated: 2018-09-27
Packaged: 2019-07-18 03:42:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16110074
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WoolyLambda/pseuds/WoolyLambda
Summary: hey prof janes if you're reading this i hope you're proud





	A Case of Natty Ice

** FOLK TALES FOR THE MODERN HOMOSEXUAL **

**“A Case of Natty Ice”**

**Prod. #1**

**CAST**

**NARRATOR    The narrator.**

**MONTY          Monty Adello. Swim team jock. Had an emo phase and doesn’t like to talk about it. Reformed joth. (Age 19)**

**JEAN              Jean Piemonte. Monty’s buddy that he brought as a buffer between himself and the jocks. Child and Youth Studies major. (Age 19)**

**FRANK           Franklin “Lucky” Heath. Football jock. Ex-boyfriend of Monty. (Age 19)**

**CHRIS            Can keg stand for a whole minute and a half without throwing up. Captain of the football team. (Age 21)**

**JOCK             Football player.**

**CASHIER        Byrne Dairy cashier. Monotonous delivery throughout.**

**UNISON         Monty, Jean, and Frank speaking in unison.**

**\--**

  1. **MUSIC: [1] FOLK TALES THEME UP.**
  2. **NARRATOR Once upon a time, on a college campus in The- Middle-of-Nowhere, New York.**
  3. **MUSIC: [2] NATTY ICE THEME--FADE UNDER.**



**SCENE ONE: EXT. FRAT HOUSE BACKYARD – NIGHT**

**(MONTY, JEAN, JOCK, FRANK, CHRIS)**

  1. **SOUND: WALLA--BACKGROUND PARTY CHATTER.**
  2. **MONTY: This blows.**
  3. **JEAN: (DEADPAN) Well, it’s not like we can just leave.**
  4. **MONTY: No, fuck off with that. We’re not leaving until I find Frank and impress him with how okay I am with [GESTURES] all of this.**
  5. **JEAN: Well, in that case.**
  6. **SOUND: JEAN POPS THE TOP OF A NATTY ICE™ AND TAKES A LOUD, JUDGEMENTAL SIP.**
  7. **MONTY: (WHISPER) _Oh my God, is he wearing a fucking letterman?_**
  8. **JEAN: Looks like.**
  9. **MONTY: He looks like a fucking clown.**
  10. **SOUND: MONTY TAKES A DRINK OF HARD LEMONADE. SMACKS LIPS.**
  11. **MONTY: Eugh, this stuff is shit.**
  12. **JEAN: How about you stop drinking it, then, dumbass.**
  13. **MONTY: (PAUSE) No.**
  14. **SOUND: MONTY TAKES ANOTHER DRINK, SLOWER AND QUIETER THIS TIME.**
  15. **JEAN: (MURMUR) I swear to God. Give me that.**
  16. **SOUND: SCUFFLING AS JEAN TRIES TO TAKE MONTY’S DRINK FROM HIM.**
  17. **MONTY: Get off of me, he’s gonna see! Shit!**
  18. **SOUND: FURTHER SCUFFLING. GLASS SMASHING ON PAVEMENT.**
  19. **JOCK: (DISTANT) Party foul!**
  20. **MONTY: God, damn it, Jean!**
  21. **JEAN: Ah, shit. (PAUSE) Sorry, man.**
  22. **MONTY: Whatever, it’s fine. At least Frank didn’t fucking see…**
  23. **FRANK: (DISTANT) See what?**
  24. **MONTY: SHIT!**
  25. **FRANK: (ENTERING) Jeez, you’ve still got the worst mouth on ‘ya, huh, Monty?**
  26. **JEAN: Oh, trust me. Whichever metric you’re going by on the filthiness of this mouth? (PAUSE) Throw it out the window. It gets worse on a never-ending upward curve.**
  27. **FRANK: Ha! Well, if that ain’t the truth.**
  28. **MONTY: (MONOTONE) Hey, Frank.**
  29. **FRANK: Aren’t you going to introduce me to your friend here, Monty?**
  30. **MONTY: Uhh….**
  31. **SOUND: CLOTHES RUSTLING--MONTY SHIFTING IN PLACE.**
  32. **JEAN: Yeah, Monty, (STIFLED LAUGHTER) aren’t you going to introduce us?**
  33. **MONTY: Frank, this is Jean. They’re the piece of shit who just spilled fucking Mike’s Hard all over my shoes. Jean, this is Frank—uh, Lucky, sorry. He’s….**
  34. **FRANK: The ‘piece of shit’ who invited you to a kegger in the middle of nowhere?**
  35. **MONTY: (UNSURE) Yeah….**
  36. **FRANK: (LAUGHTER) Well, it’s a pleasure to meet you, Jean.**
  37. **JEAN: Likewise!**
  38. **FRANK: So, how did the two of you (PAUSE, THOUGHTFUL) come to be acquainted?**
  39. **MONTY: (INTERJECTING) God, I’m thirsty.**
  40. **JEAN: Oh, we met in Intro Psych, I’m pretty sure? It was a half-week, so it might have been Dr. Eyerly’s Music Therapy workshop…. Monty, do you remember?**
  41. **MONTY: Fuck if I know what I was doing a year ago.**
  42. **JEAN: What he means to say is that it was Dr. Eyerly’s workshop.**
  43. **FRANK: I’ve heard great things about her!**
  44. **JEAN: Yeah, she really does live up to the hype! Super engaging as an educator.**
  45. **FRANK: Well, that must have been a nice change from Miss Lori, huh, Monty?**
  46. **MONTY: Yeah, sure.**
  47. **JEAN: Miss Lori?**
  48. **FRANK: When Monty and I were going to school together, we had this absolute witch of a teacher, and she especially liked to pick on—**
  49. **MONTY: I’m gonna go refresh my beverage.**
  50. **SOUND: FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL--MONTY.**
  51. **FRANK: (GROWING DISTANT) Oh, well, alrighty then.**
  52. **SOUND: FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL--CHRIS.**
  53. **CHRIS: Not so fast! You guys are all freshmen, right?**
  54. **UNISON: Uhhh….**
  55. **CHRIS: Someone drank the last beer, so now all we have left are those shitty lemonades.**
  56. **MONTY: Well, what does that have to do with us?**
  57. **CHRIS: Lucky! (SOTTO VOCE) Yeah, he’s close enough. (FULL VOICE) Freshman Five!**
  58. **FRANK: Aw, damn.**
  59. **SOUND: FEIGNED GASPS FROM MONTY AND JEAN.**
  60. **FRANK: Looks like I’ll have to cut our conversation short, Jean. It was great talking to you, though!**
  61. **JEAN: Oh, yeah, great talking to you, too!**
  62. **MONTY: (MONOTONE) Bye, Frank.**
  63. **SOUND: FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL--FRANK.**
  64. **JEAN: (WHISPER) _You should go with him_!**
  65. **MONTY: Excuse me?**
  66. **JEAN: Go! With Frank, to get the beer!**
  67. **MONTY: UH.**
  68. **JEAN: Frank! Wait up for Monty!**
  69. **SOUND: SCUFFLING. NOISES OF MALCONTENT FROM MONTY.**
  70. **FRANK: (DISTANT) Uh, okay!**
  71. **CHRIS: (GROWING NEAR) So, take this with you and don’t fucking lose it, okay? You’re coming with me to the DMV to pay for a new one if there is so much as a scratch on this ID. Got it?**
  72. **FRANK: Got it, Chris.**
  73. **CHRIS: Good. Now, get! There’ll be riots if you don’t get back here with the good stuff before midnight.**
  74. **SOUND: WALLA AND BACKGROUND MUSIC FADE OUT**
  75. **MUSIC: [3] WANDRIN’ THEME FADE IN**



**SCENE 2: EXT. SIDE OF THE HIGHWAY – NIGHT**

**(MONTY, FRANK)**

  1. **SOUND: FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL--MONTY AND FRANK. INTERMITTENT TRAFFIC SOUNDS.**
  2. **FRANK: (HESITANT) So.**
  3. **MONTY: So…?**
  4. **FRANK: How long have you and Jean been… hangin’ out?**
  5. **MONTY: Wh… hanging out?**
  6. **FRANK: Yeah, y’know, uhh. Hangin’ out.**
  7. **MONTY: Oh my God.**
  8. **FRANK: (INTERJECTING) It’s nothing to be ashamed of! They seem nice!**
  9. **MONTY: No, this is hilarious. You thought Jean and I were dating?**
  10. **FRANK: You two aren’t dating?**
  11. **MONTY: No!**
  12. **FRANK: You’ve been hanging off’a their arm all night!**
  13. **MONTY: Yeah, well, you know how I get when there’s alcohol involved. I can barely keep myself vertical after a Jell-O shot. And you can’t even taste the alcohol in those (GAGS) lemonade craps, so I’ve been hauling them down like Minute Made.**
  14. **FRANK: And why’s that?**
  15. **MONTY: I was, uh, nervous? I guess? Uhm….**
  16. **FRANK: About what?**
  17. **MONTY: Oh, come on.**
  18. **FRANK: (AUDIBLE SMILE) What?**
  19. **MONTY: Frankie, don’t make me say it?**
  20. **FRANK: Wow, haven’t heard that name in a while.**
  21. **MONTY: Oh, fuck you.**
  22. **FRANK: Hey!**
  23. **MONTY: (BEAT) Sorry.**
  24. **SOUND: FOOTSTEPS TRANSITION FROM GRAVEL TO ASPHALT. TRAFFIC SOUNDS FADE OUT.**
  25. **SOUND: DOOR CHIMES, SWINGS OPEN.**
  26. **MUSIC: [4] GIRL FROM UPSTATE NEW YORK FADE IN**
  27. **FRANK: Can you wait by the counter?**
  28. **MONTY: (DISMAYED) Yeah.**
  29. **SOUND: FOOTSTEPS ON TILE. COOLER DOOR OPENING.**
  30. **SOUND: SOUNDS OF EFFORT FROM FRANK. DOOR SWINGS CLOSED. CASE THUDS ON COUNTER.**
  31. **CASHIER: I.D., please?**
  32. **FRANK: Oh, yeah, uh—. (PAUSE TO FISH OUT THE I.D.) That’s right here.**
  33. **CASHIER: Mhm. (BEAT) And how will you be paying this evening?**
  34. **FRANK: Uh, cash, thanks. (BEAT) Monty?**
  35. **MONTY: Yeah?**
  36. **FRANK: Do you want anything?**
  37. **MONTY: Nah, I’m okay.**
  38. **FRANK: You sure? Not even one of those (PAUSE, PULL THE WORDS A LITTLE) freaky soda slushies?**
  39. **MONTY: (SNAPPISH) They’re not freaky, you’re just scared of them because they hurt your teeth.**
  40. **FRANK: Rude. (BEAT) You sure you don’t want anything?**
  41. **MONTY: Fine! If you insist, I will get a slushie!**
  42. **FRANK: Ah—.**
  43. **MONTY: No, no, you’ve forced my hand.**
  44. **SOUND: SLUSHIE MACHINE DISPENSING SLUSH.**
  45. **FRANK: (SOFT LAUGHTER) Alright, alright.**
  46. **CASHIER: (MONOTONE) Will that be all?**
  47. **FRANK: Yeah, that’ll be it, thanks.**
  48. **SOUND: RECIEPT MACHINE PRINTING. CASH REGISTER DINGING. COINS CHANGING HANDS.**
  49. **MONTY: Thanks, Frank.**
  50. **FRANK: My pleasure.**
  51. **SOUND: SHOES ON TILE--FRANK AND MONTY. DOOR CHIMING, SWINGING CLOSED. SHOES TRANSITIONING FROM PAVEMENT TO GRAVEL. BEER BOTTLES CLINK IN TANDEM WITH THE FOOTSTEPS.**
  52. **MUSIC: [5] GIRL FROM UPSTATE NEW YORK CUTS OFF WITH DOOR. WANDRIN’ REPRISE FADES IN OVER GRAVEL, UNDER DIALOGUE.**



**SCENE 3: ETX. SIDE OF THE HIGHWAY – NIGHT**

**(MONTY, FRANK)**

  1. **SOUND: MONTY TAKES A LONG SLURP FROM HIS SLUSHIE.**
  2. **MONTY: You know what would have gone good in this?**
  3. **SOUND: SLUSHIE SHAKING AROUND.**
  4. **FRANK: What?**
  5. **MONTY: Half a mickey of Everclear.**
  6. **FRANK: Jeez, Monty!**
  7. **MONTY: I’m not wrong!**
  8. **FRANK: It’s like you want to have a liver transplant before you’re thirty, my goodness.**
  9. **MONTY: Well, at least it’s something before I’m thirty, right? (PAUSE TO DRINK) What’s a Freshman Five, anyway?**
  10. **FRANK: You’re totally not evading the implications of alcoholism, huh?**
  11. **MONTY: Nope! Not at all. (BEAT) So?**
  12. **FRANK: It’s for football.**
  13. **MONTY: Care to elaborate?**
  14. **FRANK: (NOISES OF MALCONTENT FROM FRANK) Freshmen on the team have got to do five random favours for any of the seniors.**
  15. **MONTY: That sounds made up.**
  16. **FRANK: Well, yeah, of course it is.**
  17. **MONTY: Ha!**
  18. **FRANK: Apparently, it’s so we can earn the right to do it to some other suckers when we hit fourth year, but the whole thing seems like an elaborate hazing ritual to me, more than anything else.**
  19. **MONTY: Sounds about right.**
  20. **FRANK: So… (BEAT) What were you saying earlier? “Don’t make me say it,” and all that?**
  21. **MONTY: I did phrase it that way for a reason, y’know.**
  22. **FRANK: Monty.**
  23. **MONTY: I (PAUSE, EMBARRASED) miss you, okay? After we….**
  24. **FRANK: Took a break.**
  25. **MONTY: Yeah. I don’t know, I just… miss being around you I guess? I keep seeing you on campus, and—**
  26. **FRANK: Well, why didn’t you say anything? It’s been radio silence from you all year!**
  27. **MONTY: I didn’t want to sound clingy, or overcrowd you, so I—**
  28. **FRANK: (GOOD-NATURED SCOFF) What, you froze me out because you didn’t want to seem clingy? (IMPLICATION THAT MONTY IS NOTORIOUSLY CLINGY)**
  29. **MONTY: Stop interrupting me, for fuck’s sake! And I didn’t freeze you out! I haven’t gotten any texts from you other either, asshole. The one you sent last week is the first I’ve heard from you since December.**
  30. **FRANK: Oh. Uh, well—**
  31. **MONTY: I guess the two of us must have been thinking the same thing on that front.**
  32. **FRANK: The only reason I suggested we take a break was because I was worried about you.**
  33. **MONTY: Wh— (SOUNDS OF INCREDULITY), what? Why?**
  34. **FRANK: Never mind.**
  35. **MONTY: Frank, what the fuck are you talking about?**
  36. **FRANK: Well, shit like this, for one fuckin’ thing!**
  37. **SOUND: CASES OF BEER HITTING THE GRAVEL.**
  38. **MONTY: Oh, shit.**
  39. **FRANK: You talkin’ about spikin’ your slushie like it’s all fun and games. You drinkin’ yourself into a stupor every damn weekend, skippin’ class ‘cause you can’t be bothered to sober up from the night before?**
  40. **MONTY: Uh—**
  41. **FRANK: And when you ended up in the hospital?**
  42. **MONTY: Frank, you—**
  43. **FRANK: Nu-huh, it’s my turn to talk right now, Monty!**
  44. **MONTY: Frank, seriously—**
  45. **FRANK: Do you fully grasp how terrified I was that I was going to watch you die?**
  46. **MONTY: Get out of the fucking way!**
  47. **SOUND: SCUFFLING AND NOISES OF EFFORT FROM MONTY, MALCONTENT FROM FRANK. CAR HORN ZOOMS PAST IN CLOSE PROXIMITY.**
  48. **SOUND: HEAVY BREATHS FROM MONTY AND FRANK.**
  49. **FRANK: (WHISPER) Holy shit.**
  50. **MONTY: (BEAT. WHISPER, TIGHT IN THE THROAT) I’m sorry.**
  51. **FRANK: Holy shit _._ (BEAT) Monty, are you okay?**
  52. **MONTY: (BLUBBERING, HALTED) Yeah, I—I’m fine, F-f-**
  53. **FRANK: Oh, hon, sh-sh-sh.**
  54. **MONTY: Y-y’know, this is the f-first time I’ve gone out to drink since we broke up? After that night I poured all the booze in the house down the drain.**
  55. **FRANK: Really _?_**
  56. **MONTY: (SNIFFLING, BECOMING MORE CONFIDENT) E-even the rubbing alcohol.**
  57. **FRANK: (SOFT LAUGHTER) Oh, man. Why didn’t you tell me any of that?**
  58. **MONTY: I was planning on telling you tonight, but….**
  59. **FRANK: You got nervous.**
  60. **MONTY: Well, yeah.**
  61. **FRANK: I should have called.**
  62. **MONTY: No, Frank. You sh-shouldn’t have. (BEAT) Me? B-being like this? It was never your fault.**
  63. **FRANK: But, I-**
  64. **MONTY: (LAUGHING THROUGH DIALOGUE) It’s not your job to clean up my puke.**
  65. **FRANK: I know! Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t happily do it if I knew it meant you were getting better.**
  66. **MONTY: Frank?**
  67. **FRANK: Yeah, Monty?**
  68. **MONTY: The gravel is making my ass fall asleep.**
  69. **FRANK: (LAUGHTER) Oh, man, I’m gonna have to wash that mouth out with soap, I swear.**
  70. **MONTY: (SOTTO VOCE) Somethin’ in my mouth, at least.**
  71. **FRANK: (SPUTTERING OUT A LAUGH) You’re gonna give me a heart attack one of these days, Monty!**
  72. **MONTY: Oh, I know. (BEAT) Seriously, though, could you help me up? My legs are all pins and needles.**
  73. **FRANK: Ugh, fine, Jeez.**
  74. **SOUND: SCUFFLING IN GRAVEL AS FRANK HELPS MONTY TO HIS FEET. CLOTHES SHIFTING AS THE TWO OF THEM BRUSH THEMSELVES OFF.**
  75. **FRANK: Aw, crap.**
  76. **MONTY: What?**
  77. **FRANK: I think one of the cans popped.**
  78. **MONTY: Oh, shit, yeah.**
  79. **FRANK: Should we go back for a single?**
  80. **MONTY: Nah, just say I drank it.**
  81. **FRANK: What? But that—**
  82. **MONTY: I owe you a lot more than covering for a popped beer.**
  83. **FRANK: Well, hey, maybe I’ll make good on collecting once you sober up tomorrow.**
  84. **MONTY: That a promise?**
  85. **FRANK: Once you sober up and stay sobered up.**
  86. **MONTY: (BEAT) Sounds like a fair deal to me.**
  87. **FRANK: Good.**
  88. **MONTY: We should probably start walking, huh.**
  89. **FRANK: Yup.**
  90. **SOUND: BOOTS ON GRAVEL FADES OUT.**
  91. **MUSIC: WANDRIN’ REPRISE FADE OUT. FOLK TALES OUTRO FADE IN.**



**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much for reading! Concrit is highly appreciated, so feel free to tear me to pieces in the comments. I'm on tumblr [@themenasaur](http://www.themenasaur.tumblr.com) so hit me up over there if you have too many feels, or if you want to suggest another beloved public domain literary work for me to destroy with my filthy gay hands.


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